Joe Giudice bemoans the loss of his driver's license and the agony of paying his bills on Sunday's 'Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa Checks In'
The Mafia, masturbation and the Giudices' Manahawkin beach house were all hot topics on Sunday night's episode of "Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa Checks In" along with the actual news that Joe Giudice will be serving his 41-month federal prison sentence right here in New Jersey, at the Federal Correctional Institute at Fort Dix.
Here are the headlines -- remember, I watch so you don't have to:
A kinder, gentler Teresa? Teresa Giudice's lawyer James Leonard shows Joe Giudice the prison diaries that Teresa has been keeping, documenting every day behind bars at the Federal Correctional Institute in Danbury, Conn. One entry deals with Teresa breaking up a fight between two inmates. "It seems like she's got everybody's respect in there," Leonard tells Joe. "I don't think anyone looks cross-eyed at her." (Wait, the other inmates know the tables are bolted down in prison, right?) He also says Teresa has immersed herself in yoga and meditation. "She's really trying to emerge a more balanced," he says. "Don't get me wrong. She's a firecracker and she still has her fuse. Perhaps that fuse is a little longer."
What rhymes with deplorable? Leonard reminds Joe, a native of Italy who never got his United States citizenship, that he faces the possibility of deportation after serving his sentence. "If they feel that I'm deportable, they could try to deport me," Joe shrugs. Leonard presses him on whether Teresa and the kids would move to Italy with him if he gets thrown out of the country. "Of course she would," he says, adding, "I wouldn't want that, because I don't really know the laws there." That, of course, has not been an impediment to Joe living in New Jersey.
"In order for me to go there, it'd be like an immigrant coming here and not knowing anything here," Joe continues. "I consider myself an American. Besides eating pasta and making sauce, I don't know anything in Italy." Less generous souls might say that's all he's needed to get by in America.
Au revoir, Manahawkin: Leonard also asks Joe for an update on the Manahawkin beach house, which was in foreclosure proceedings when this was taped. Joe claims he's working on mortgage modification and calls it "a pain in the ass to take care of ... another bill." Later, he seems to accept that the house will be taken away: "You pay lawyers, or you keep the Shore house." Spoiler alert: The bank bought back the house at auction for $100.
Bonjour, Fort Dix: When the Gorgas give the Giudices a lift to the Giudice vacation house in Manahawkin, Joe points out a sign for Fort Dix and reveals that he's going to be serving his 41-month sentence at the Federal Correctional Institute there. He calls his daughter Gia, who's riding with Melissa Gorga in another car, and tells her to look for the sign. "I'm gonna become a military expert," he jokes.
Most revolting/unnecessary/upsetting/fill-in-the-blank exchange of the night: Joe Gorga asks Joe Giudice whether he and Teresa have phone sex, but Joe shrugs, saying, "We just email all nasty things back and forth." Joe Gorga then asks his brother-in-law if he has been masturbating, although he uses a more common colloquialism. I'm afraid I can't reap the rest of the scene because I ran screaming from the room.
Get your stories straight, Giudices: Last week, Gia claimed that the younger girls didn't know that their mother is in prison, but this week she says that everyone except Audriana is aware. ("People think Milania is, like, stupid or whatever, but she knows what's going on.") And Joe said on "Watch What Happens" last week that the kids know Teresa is in prison, but on Sunday's episode he said, "They don't know. They're (bleeping) kids. They think she's working."
Last week, Joe likened the Federal Correctional Institute at Danbury to a "low-budget spa." This week, Leonard reiterates that Teresa is not "in some easy place," and Joe says, "No, of course not." But later Joe says that if Teresa doesn't behave in Danbury, they'll "send her to a real prison."
Wait, what kind of spa asks you to bend over and cough? After Teresa asked Gia to tweet out a message to her fans in May, Teresa got "shaken down," she reveals in a phone call to Joe. "I think they were looking for a cell phone or something ... They're so invading, like, you have to bend down and cough. Yeah, like where are you going to put it, up there?"
Someone needs a reality check, stat: Joe, whose license has been suspended for two years after pleading guilty to possessing a fradulent driver's license, shows off his new electric bike to Leonard. "It's a pain in the ass," he complains about the loss of his driving privileges. "It's almost like you're locked up." Except without the constant threat of sexual assault. But maybe Joe has had unusual experiences with bicycling. (Also, did anyone else get the "Wizard of Oz" Wicked Witch of the West theme going through their head when Joe was biking? De-dum-de-dum-de-dah-dah!)
RELATED: Judge rejects Giudices' foreclosure challenge on mansion
A conversation that need no elaboration: Gia: "I have a headache." Teresa: "Why?" Gia: "Because of Milania." Teresa: "Oh."
Hey Melissa, the Easter Bunny isn't real either: Melissa tells us that she hasn't been able to email with Teresa "because her email chain is full." Melissa also says that Joe Gorga has been approved to visit Teresa in prison, but "I didn't get approved yet." Yet. "It's such a slow process," Gia tells her, clearly humoring her aunt. And in a moment that did soften my stone cold heart, Giancinto Giudice, Teresa's father, tells the Joes that he just can't visit his daughter in prison: "Tell your sister, tell your wife, I will see her when she comes home. I won't go there."
An offer he could refuse: Joe goes to Rino Aprea's restaurant Angelo's of Mulberry Street (so that's why Rino got a shout-out last week) to meet with Angelo Lutz for a primer on doing federal time. Lutz served seven years for bookmaking but said he turned down a plea deal for racketeering, which is commonly associated with Mafia prosecutions. "I had a chance to do what you did," Joe tells him. "I had a chance to be part of that. I knew everybody, but I walked away from that, all right, because I knew a trade. I chose to work hard. I'm still going to jail." Tiniest violin, Joe.
Most disturbing juxtaposition: Joe forks some sweet Italian sausage just before he asks Angelo, "Did anybody ever try to like, any sexual bull ... with you, or no?"
Best quote: "I"ll make it decaf." -- Salon worker to Milania, after she asks for a latter.
Vicki Hyman may be reached at vhyman@njadvancemedia.com. Follow her on Twitter @vickihy. Find NJ.com/Entertainment on Facebook. She'll be discussing Sunday's episode on Periscope Monday morning at @njdotcom, and you can also check out her podcast TV Hangover with co-host Erin Medley, in which they discussed Sunday's debut of "Teresa Checks In":
TV HANGOVER, EP. 5: 'Fargo' returns, 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend' rules and Teresa Giudice is back
NJ.com TV critic Vicki Hyman and super fan Erin Medley talk top TV news, discuss returning favorites "Fargo" and gush over "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend." Play along to "Name the Show," then get caught up on the latest "Real Housewives of New Jersey" special. Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher.SHOW RUNDOWN
00:26 -- Happy birthday Vicki!
03:53 -- News of the week
15:27 -- "Fargo" premiere and the benefits of anthologies
22:00 -- Is "Quantico" the next "Secrets and Lies"?
28:08 -- CW does it right with "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" and "Jane the Virgin"
34:45 -- Can you "Name that Show"?
42:28 -- Checking out "Teresa Checks In" on Bravo
46:21 -- Wrap up
No comments:
Post a Comment